Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
