when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
