I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
