Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
