if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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