i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
