I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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