1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize