Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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