I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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