We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Damn victory sex feels great
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
