her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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