I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
