am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
