Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
