3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
someone threw a dead crab at me
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
