She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We talked him into tasing himself.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
