My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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