Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
