I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Randomize
