I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize