WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
is it fun? or sober?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
