Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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