They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
