I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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