so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
