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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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