Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
