So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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