Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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