god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
