smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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