so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
