my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
