once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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