Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
