trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
