I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
