You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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