Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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