I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
