oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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