Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
