I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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