I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
