you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
