the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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