one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
