i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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