My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
