did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
