The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
