now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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