Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
