Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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