Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
